88. Your Redundancy Notice Has Arrived (again).
Sorry for ... whatever.
With 4,000+ people getting axed from the Omnicom-IPG merger, I thought it appropriate to imagine what their termination notices might actually say if corporate HR departments were honest. Consider this a public service - or a warning. Here’s what didn’t arrive in anyone’s inbox, but probably should have.
OMNICOM GLOBAL HOLDINGS LIMITED LIABILITY REDUNDANCY DIVISION
Department of Severance, Subsection K (Formerly Subsection Q, Retired 2024)
RE: NOTICE OF EMPLOYMENT CESSATION, REDUNDANCY NOTIFICATION, AND GENERAL BUGGERING OFF
DATE: 2nd December, 2025
TO: Employee #47,291 (Formerly Known As “Roger,” Possibly “Janet”)
FROM: The Committee for Downsizing, Cost Optimization, and Making Everyone Terribly Sad
Dear Employee (or Former Employee, depending on when you read this),
This is to inform you that your position as Senior Vice President of Things We No Longer Need has been made redundant.
Well, not “made” redundant, really. It was always redundant. We just didn’t mention it.
Nobody expects the Corporate Restructuring!
Your employment will cease IMMEDIATELY or possibly last Tuesday, we’re not entirely sure. Our records indicate you may have already been terminated in 2023, but someone forgot to tell you. You know, Corporate!
YOUR SEVERANCE PACKAGE:
After 11 years of loyal service, blood, sweat, tears, and that presentation you did in 2019 that Linda from accounts said was “quite good actually,” you are entitled to:
Seven (7) weeks of severance pay
(Calculated using our proprietary formula: Years of Service ÷ How Much We Like You × Fuck All)One (1) complimentary farewell email
(Subject line: “Thank you for your service.” Body: “Best of luck.” Signature: An algorithm.)Unlimited access to disappointment
Your dignity (if found, please contact HR)
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT:
You will receive a cardboard box. It is not a large box. Do not attempt to fit your career in this box. It won’t fit.
Security will escort you from the building. His name is Keith. Keith is very sorry. Keith didn’t want this either. Keith is also being made redundant next month, but we haven’t told him yet.
Your email will be deactivated at 4:47 PM. Why 4:47? Because fuck you, that’s why. (No, seriously, it’s a system automation thing. IT couldn’t be asked to change it.)
You are invited to a “transition meeting” on Friday at 2 PM in Conference Room D. This meeting has been cancelled. We will not tell you it has been cancelled. You will show up. There will be no one there. This is intentional.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
Q: Why is this happening?
A: Synergy. Also, profits. Mainly profits. But we’ll say “synergy” on LinkedIn. By the by, please do not post there. There are other (former) sister agencies who will also be posting, and HR would love, love, love it if we can keep spirits high.
Q: What about my projects?
A: They’re being reassigned to Deborah. Deborah doesn’t know this yet. Deborah is also being made redundant in March. It’s redundancies all the way down.
Q: Can I say goodbye to my team?
A: Absolutely not. Your team has been placed in a separate “transition track.” They think you quit. We told them you “pursued other opportunities.” Those opportunities are unemployment.
Q: I have 11 years of experience here. Doesn’t that count for anything?
A: It counts for 7 weeks of severance! Well done, you did the math correctly. That’s more than Jenkins got. Jenkins got 4 weeks. Jenkins cried in the stairwell. Don’t be like Jenkins.
Q: This seems cruel.
A: That’s not a question. But yes.
IMPORTANT LEGAL DISCLAIMER:
By reading this letter, you acknowledge that:
Your contributions were valued (until they weren’t)
This decision was difficult (it wasn’t)
We wish you the best in your future endeavors (we don’t)
The Company reserves the right to replace you with an unpaid intern, a chatbot, or a particularly ambitious golden retriever
A PERSONAL NOTE FROM LEADERSHIP:
We want you to know that this wasn’t personal. Well, it was slightly personal. Karen from Finance never liked you. But mostly it was about cost savings and operational efficiency and shareholder value and several other words we learned at business school that mean “we’re going to fire you and buy a fucking yacht.”
You will always be part of the Omnicom family.**
**Unless you talk to the press. Then you are dead to us.
YOUR NEXT STEPS:
✓ Cry
✓ Update LinkedIn (but make it sound like YOUR choice)
✓ Develop a sudden interest in “consulting”
✓ Drink
✓ Revisit that novel you said you were going to write
✓ Drink more
IN CLOSING:
Thank you for your 11 years of service, creativity, dedication, late nights, missed birthdays, skipped vacations, and that one time you came in with the flu because Jenkins was already out and someone needed to finish the Campbell’s pitch.
We truly couldn’t have done this without you.
No, literally. We needed you to build the thing so we could sell the thing so we could afford to fire you.
Cheers!
The Omnicom Redundancy Committee
“Our Chief Weapon is Surprise...and Severance...Two! Our TWO Chief Weapons are Surprise and Severance!”
M. Python, CBE
Grand Marshal of Terminations, Herald of Bad News & Keeper of the Severance Calculator
Department of Cost Optimization & Casual Cruelty
Omnicom Global Holdings Redundancy Division (Subsection K, Conference Room D, Third Floor, Behind the Broken Copier)
P.S. — Please return your laptop, keycard, and any remaining optimism by end of business Wednesday.
P.P.S. — This notice is recyclable. Unlike your job.
This communication is confidential and intended solely for the terminated. If you are not the terminated, please disregard and await your own termination notice
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